Your loneliness may actually be a gift

Phil McAuliffe, says that the thoughts and feelings that come from being lonely are awful, but your loneliness could actually be a gift. We can spend years running away from them. We spend so much time and energy hustling for the acceptance of others. We spend so much time numbing the pain or denying that there’s even a problem.

Before I continue, I want to say how proud of you I am for simply reading these words. I know that it took courage for you to begin reading this. I see you. I’m proud of you.

Loneliness is tricky. A standard definition says loneliness is the absence of people or meaningful connections with others. I also think, ‘if you feel lonely, then you are lonely.’ But what does loneliness feel like?

My loneliness felt like I was living someone else’s life.

I believed I was supposed to feel happy and ‘on’ all the time, but I felt empty and apathetic. I felt that I couldn’t tell anyone; I didn’t have the vocabulary, nor did I feel that society would allow it. We’re meant to be self-sufficient physical, mental and emotional islands, right? I internalised all this and, as a result, it took me years to realise I was lonely.

I eventually got help. I did a lot of work within myself, and with support, I began engaging with the world as myself.

It’s not been easy, but it’s been worth it.

I see evidence of loneliness everywhere: Substance abuse or dependence; numbing through shopping, gambling, sex, work, exercise, social media, the list is almost endless.

Loneliness has always been; it’s not the result of a global pandemic, social media, Grindr, or more people living alone.

These things have just highlighted what’s already there.

According to the State of the Nation 2023 report by Ending Loneliness Together, Australians aged 18 to 24 are most affected by loneliness

But who’s talking about it and why do we answer truthfully in anonymous surveys but not talk about our loneliness and our need to connect with each other? I suppose it’s part of the broader problem. 

Realising that I was lonely was an uncomfortable truth. Indeed, coming out as lonely is harder for me than coming out as gay. There seems to be a more significant stigma to loneliness than there is about being gay. We’re all about ‘connection’, but there does not seem to be much talk about why we all need it. 

When we ‘connect’ to cure our loneliness, we often rush into connection with those around us and our communities; however, I believe the cure to your loneliness starts with connecting to yourself and allowing your authentic self to be.  

To get that type of life-sustaining connection, we need to feel our loneliness and delve deep inside ourselves. This is hard, messy and beautiful.

As loneliness becomes a bigger issue around the world, governments are now stepping in. The UK and Japan have appointed loneliness ministers designed to understand, resource, and tackle the issue.

Here in Australia a national network of organisations has been lobbying the federal government to follow suit, arguing it could reduce the risk of chronic diseases and mental health issues.

It said loneliness was estimated to cost the economy $2.7 billion per year.

Loneliness is a serious concern for many people, and if you're reading this article, maybe you're feeling lonely too.

It may sound kinda strange, but, the loneliness you may be feeling right now can be your gift. It may not be the gift that you want, to be sure. I believe it’s your soul’s way of seeking your attention and inviting you to step into the world in a more authentic way. Is it an invitation you should accept?

IF YOU NEED HELP TODAY!

• LGBTIQ Mental Health Pathways
• For 24/7 crisis support: Lifeline: 13 11 14
• Beyond Blue: 1300 22 4636
• Suicide Call Back Service: 1300 659 467
• Kids Helpline: 1800 55 1800
• The Loneliness Guy 

Phil McAuliffe works with LGBTIQ+ folk suffering from loneliness and can help you get the soul-nourishing connection you need and deserve.

The Loneliness Guy

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