Over the past twenty years, Dr Hilary Caldwell has been quietly ‘ministering to the skin-hungry’. This trailblazing sexologist is certainly not your average queer. She is an active LGBTIQ+ community member with four children, a nurse, advocate, author and a proud sex worker.
Hilary identifies as she/her, a kinky queer mother and a grandmother — and in July, she released her first major book titled Slutdom, which is making waves all over the country. Hilary is an academic with a Master in Health Science and Applied Science.
Her doctorate, ‘Women Who Buy Sex in Australia’, was the first study in the world to explore women buying sexual services and was informed by her professional career in the field of sexology.
Her new book looks to change attitudes about sex and blends academic research with intimate interviews, all mixed in with her own experiences. We sat down with Hilary to talk about Slutdom, being a queer sex worker and coming out from under her big red umbrella!
Congratulations on your new book; it seems to be a hit already, with many great reviews. I suppose I want to jump right in and ask why you think queer people should read Slutdom?
Thanks. Queers have got great peer spaces to learn about ethical ‘slutdom’, but unfortunately, we still live in a heteronormative culture. Slutdom has all these stories about how people have used wonderful sexual experiences to shrug off the toxic gender roles expected of sexual and relationship behaviour.
The Guardian reviewed Slutdom as one of the best books to come out in July and said it was ‘genuinely radical’. What do you think about that?
Yes, it was a great review. I actually thought the book was pretty tame, but I suppose that for everyday folks my life and the subject matter seem pretty ‘radical’. A queer mother of four and granny to nine, who is a sex worker for mainly male clients must really bust some people’s minds. And yeah, I’m putting up a fairly convincing argument that we should all be sluts without shame, which also speaks to those who are more conservative, and they likely find the idea of being a slut to be ‘radical’. And I guess being a slut can change you, and that does feel radical!
You’ve been a queer, pan, poly, kinky, purple sex worker for twenty years in anonymity; why come out so late and now?
As a sex worker, I kept my job to myself to protect my family, but keeping the secret became more burdensome than the truth. Historically, I’ve often felt I may be unwelcome in some lesbian and LGBTIQ+ spaces as a closeted sex worker. I was worried I’d be criticised for offering my services to straight men or be considered a victim of patriarchy. However, many things have changed over twenty-plus years, and now that I have come out, I can defend my position honestly and without shame. I feel my story can help people have more empathy with queers and sex workers and destigmatise all consensual sexual practice in lots of ways.
In general, LGBTIQ+ people seem pretty comfortable with their sexuality and desires; how do you think your book and the term ‘slutdom’ talks to this demographic.
I agree. The LGBTIQ+ community have been on the leading edge of removing shame from sex and desire. LGBTIQ+ spaces actively teach effective communication, including sexual consent and inclusivity. What I’ve done with Slutdom is to combine what I’ve learned from LGBTIQ+, BDSM, sex work, clinical sexology and academic communities to argue that proud sluts can live better lives and, collectively, can change a culture.
Queer people have always busted barriers when it comes to sexual freedom and certainly are not afraid of the word slut. Now, I want the word to be shame-free and accessible to all people, regardless of their sexual or gender identification.
Conservatives have been know to say that queer, gay and bi-sexual men are overly promiscuous or sluts. What are your thoughts about this?
I say, sluts unite! Could conservative people be jealous? LOL, but in all sincerity, sex negativity is born from indoctrinated shame. It is tough for people to unpack, and even thinking slutty thoughts could feel unsafe for people surrounded by negativity. I actually do feel love and compassion for those not ready to enjoy their bodies and share in pleasure.
Do you think queer women can be affected the same way as heterosexual women when it comes to being branded sluts?
Oh, great question! I think anyone can be affected, but something all queer folk have in common is that we have done the internal work to really think about desire and why it matters. Queers have already done a lot of work to reject slut-shaming. But it is a lifelong process, and we don’t always feel strong all of the time. And slut-shaming is an offence that can be used against women and LGBTIQ+ people more than straight men, so it underlies all gender inequities, affecting everyone.
So what’s next for this kinky queer mum?
I received a lot of feedback from the book, so over the next few months, I’ll be thinking a lot about it and what I think our society needs next to help achieve better sexual and gender equality.
My publisher, University of Queensland Press, is also posting some book club notes. Clubs who discuss Slutdom can send de-identified notes about discussions to me. I hope to have a lot of different stories about how we all feel about reclaiming the word slut. The more conversations about sex and sexuality, the better! #SlutToo is collective and affirmative action against sexual shaming.
Slutdom: Reclaiming Shame-free Sexuality by Dr Hilary Caldwell is published by University of Queensland Press and is available to buy now.
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